Tojikomeru
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Souji reflects on the being behind the smiling face, and the person he can't seem to reach out to.


**Fandom: Peacemaker Kurogane  
****Title: Tojikomeru  
Pairing: Souji + Hijikata  
Description: Souji reflects on the being behind the smiling face,****and the person he can****'****t seem to reach out to****.**

**Disclaimer: Peacemaker Kurogane isn****'****t mine. I****'****m just a Souji-freak. (****…****even got my hair cut like his. ^_^ That****'****s my devotion for ya!)**

Sabishii me  
"Tasukete kure" to  
Omoimasu  
**  
Tojikomeru  
By miyamoto yui  
**  
No, you don't truly understand.

Maybe I'm too emotional about everything, but I don't understand how you can be so casual about everything, as if you're unaffected by the suffering of the world. But that isn't even a sufficient way of putting it because that is not fair. You have seen your share and that's why you hide yourself with that stern face.  
As for myself, I deal with my pain a different way. I hide it so well that it's very pathetic. I protect it so well that I hurt myself even more. Do you know what it means to bleed without any evidence of being damaged?

It's deep inside. And little by little, you spit it out without anyone understanding or wanting to understand. It's a different type of disease. It's like TB, but worse.  
You're rotting from the very thing that is supposed to make you human. Your heart is crashing upon itself with every vein and artery struggling to push the blood through and you're preventing it all. Then, the whole system breaks down.  
This is what is eating me.

There is no name.

There is a cause, but when I say, "Everything", who will comprehend that things are triggered and lead to other thoughts that are painful, happy, forgotten, repressed, and protected all at the same time?

Yeah, many people are termed as depressed and think that sedatives will do it. Others think that sex or money will fill that endless gap that widens with each passing day. It is an itching to get close to someone and running away from the world at the same time.  
For how could someone accept you if you wouldn't even accept yourself?

And yet even more, fools think that reflecting their insecurities on another person will cover their own.  
That complimenting will make them whole.

Damn that mentality.

I sit here under the clear sky that's polluted with the air of unacceptable change. The clouds always change shape and condensation and it pours when the rain comes tumbling down in rivers. And yet, I continue to sit here, affected by everyone and everything.

All with this smiling face.

But do people ever wonder what a smiling face means? It means that it's hiding someone far away from the person giving the smile. Yes, it is a harsh lie, but it is true.

When have you ever seen someone who can honestly smile with all their sincerity without a tinge of sadness? There is no one in the world that can smile so widely without feeling the nails of cruelty on their back at some point in their lives.

This is reality. This is the world I live in.

I swing my feet like a child and wonder how many times he told me to keep still because that's not what soldiers do. Professionalism should be kept up at all times.

But I was tired of all that talk.

The wind flows and I let my hair fall down. I don't even bother to tie it up because it drives him crazy.  
Whenever there is some kind of chaos, he thinks that he has to put order to it. I know that's why he took me into his care. "Care" in a light and heavy tone, I say and think.

I keep on contradicting him. I make him mad with all the little tricks I pull, and yet he lets them all go. He still drops everything to take me into his arms to tell me that I'm a fool when he's calling himself the idiot.

He hates me for being his weakness. I'm upset that he's my strength.

And yet we still continue to exist in this changing world where I want everything to stay the same a little longer. I pray each day when I look up to the sky that I would be able to be live here in this time, place, and mind.

There is so much I need to do.

I am unable to experience it all though. He told me I was too sentimental that way.

But what's worse than being next to so many people and looking at them with the eyes of a stranger? No matter how long I've been with them, I will never ever truly know them, nor will they ever know me. Maybe that's my fault because I don't like showing all my emotions, especially that of vulnerability.

Like now.  
I want to be with someone. I don't want his body. I want more than his soul. I want more than his mind.

That's why I was desparate to see that haiku book of his. I laughed with Tetsu, but I was actually imprinting everything into my head. I wanted to make him mad so that he'd always remember me.

In all his emotions. In all his memories.

I'm a jealous person, I hate to admit, but I wanted experience as much as I could with him.

He took me from where I used to be and placed me into this body. I held a countenance of superiority and ice. But he made me warm. He changed me and I wondered what the hell he did to me. It was more than admiration or that common used cliché we call love. It was much deeper.

And with this attachment, so much pain ensued. Pain that surpassed being wanted in the image of a woman, surpassed trying to be the best soldier that ever lived, surpassed that of reaching out to the person you loved and they rejected you so silently.

Loneliness among comrades is very usual for me. I don't like getting close to people, so the blame of this fault is that of my own. There is no one but myself to blame when I am unable to give what I want or need from another being.

I look at the single flower in the sea of green grass. It stands there alone under the light and bends slightly with the breeze. But one day, someone will forget that it's there or they will never notice.  
They'll absently step on it and its petals will dry and scatter to different places.

This is myself and this is my heart.

I don't know how to tell anyone, not even the person closest to me. He thinks in logical patterns and he's very reasonable, but how do you explain to someone that in your own head, everything's just fucked up?  
It's all one paper mache piece with no true form. The newspaper articles with all the drama of your life being stuck in one uneven ball. The glue's so tight you can't detach anything and you can't read anything anymore.

It's there. And it won't go away. It can't be resolved and you can't tell anyone about it.

He thinks I'm taking everything and the world on my shoulders. I tell him that it's something I can't describe. It's there, but I can't stop it.

Want too much. I want to live. I want him. I want to be forgiven for my sins. I want to be a child with no responsibilities or obligations. I want time to stop.

And it's aching more and more. You want to grab onto someone or something and shout that you're not crazy. It's just that when you're left all alone, you think more and more.

You're more aware of who you are, what you don't like, and how pointless life is if there's no destination or someone to support you along the way. A person can only take so much by themselves.  
Those people tell you they take everything by themselves, but they have a hidden support. They won't ever admit or tell you, but they have at least one that's solid.

I have yet to find mine.  
"I just want someone here," I whispered to myself, but that was still a mistake. I patted the pink warm cutie on my lap. I shook my head. "No, that isn't it."

Even if someone was here, I would still think these thoughts. He's here and I still go insane behind my smile. I didn't know what the hell I wanted…

…or rather, I was too scared to reach for it.

I was afraid of losing what I worked so hard for. I was afraid of not being accepted for who I was because I still was trying to find my own definition. This was one of my flaws.

I was past crying and all that because there were no more tears. Loneliness and wanting too much all at the same time was eating me, but I knew there was something deep inside that I wanted and needed. I just didn't know what it was.

I started to cough and got up to look at the stars one last time. If only I could catch one and the myths were true, then I'd make a wish that was full-proof.

That was my problem, I knew. I wanted something permanent in all the changes that were happening inside and outside of myself. I wanted something consistent.  
Had I held onto him for this purpose? Shamefully, yes. And I was guilty of this charge.

I let go of my little friend.  
I walked quietly back to my room when I saw him walk out of his, but why was he heading towards my direction? I bowed my head and smiled as I passed him.

Out of respect to him, the one who killed and saved me at the same time. Each time our eyes met, it made me feel so bittersweet inside.

Then, I went into my room and closed the door behind me. It was another unbearable night, wasn't it? I sighed as I glanced outside of the door, fantasizing that he would just forget his position and responsibility and just forget everything…

Forget everything for me.

That was selfish, I know, so that's why I wouldn't wish for that. It may be my secret hope, but I would be quiet as always.

Even I couldn't do that. I knew I was too proud and responsible to act so selfishly. But one could hope, couldn't they?

Ah, the silence was driving me to insanity!

I began to cough again and looked from side to side. I immediately wiped my hands on the blue towel I secretly kept with me. The one that I carried as a child to comfort me. I cried on it. I coughed on it.

It embedded some percentage of my life and my enduring pain.

Deep within my thoughts as I laid in my futon, I didn't notice him calling to me through the screen.  
"Souji?" he asked with a hesitant tone.  
I laughed a bit. The all-mighty captain became so childish with me.  
"Yes?" I tried to stifle the coughing.  
"I brought you water," he said as he opened the door to my room. "I'm sorry for being rude."

He sat next to me as soon as he closed the door behind him. He gave me the cup of water as I sat up on my futon.

"Thank you."

How did he always know I needed him?  
At that moment, when I was putting the cup down on the tray, he pulled my head onto his chest and I closed my eyes. I couldn't truly cry. I learned to ignore that part of me long ago.

There was something wrong, but I couldn't tell him what it was because I couldn't understand it. It wasn't the coughing and it was more than being so close, but far from him.

It wasnt even about living.

"I want something permanent," I mumbled quietly. It all came to that one thought. I didn't know if he would understand, but it seemed like I relieved myself of a burden I had kept deep inside of me to the point that I was going to burst. The nail was there in my heart for so long I almost became too acquainted with it.

Stronger…weaker…what were these words? What did they mean?

He kissed the top of my head and held me.

Damn him!

The dam was falling hesitantly. I learned to violently sob in silence when I came here and today, someone saw how I "cried". How I truly felt about everything.

I was shaking and I held onto him feeling inhuman and human at the same time.

This was my humanity and I took it seriously less than what I valued of it at certain times.

I want-  
At that moment, he took my chin and was about to kiss me, but I turned away. I looked at him with frightened eyes.

"What if you get sick too?" I pushed him away and he nodded his head.

I was more scared of causing him trouble again. That's why I always held back.  
I didn't want him to die…

"Sorry," he said while lifting the tray with a sigh.  
Then, he left me with my eyes plastered to the closed door.

That's why Tetsu will not grow up like me. He won't close his heart to you, Hijikata-san.

I felt that I wasn't good enough…  
…not even for myself.

I coughed all over again and I wanted to cry when he came to give me more water.

But still, my darkest desire persists. I want you all to myself. No obligations to anyone else, the country, the troops.

How childish of me, isn't it? I don't want to share you with anyone. And so this is the stem of my self-imposed loneliness.

As he reached out to give me another cup of water, tears came out on their own.  
"Please forgive my selfishness." I whispered. I grasped his sleeve with my right hand, and forsook fortune and fate when I leaned up to kiss him.

This isn't enough, Hijikata-san.

I can't have your past. I can't have your future.

I can't live or die with you.  
Even if I might not deserve it...

…I want something. Anything.

You can't save me, but I still want you to. I desperately need you to…  
**  
Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** Yeah, not too much detail here, but I was just aiming to capture a feeling. I wanted to explain something I was feeling, but couldn't express. Souji seemed to be the representative of what I had to say. I'm going to go insane if I keep on thinking I'm the only one who feels this way…

Tojikomeru - confine, shut up

Translation of haiku:  
Lonesome eyes  
"Please save me,"  
I think.

**April 2, 2004**


End file.
